On Becoming a Grandfather

by David Barstow

Is one ever prepared for the dramatic changes in one's life? Think how totally unprepared you were for most of the really significant events in your life from your first faltering step to the discovery of the awesome world of sexual intimacy. Nor is one ready for the painful moments - when one tastes the bitterness of personal disappointment or failure, or when the specter of death touches a loved one. And somewhere in this list is an event whose impact I was totally and absolutely unprepared for: becoming a grandfather.

I am now reeling from the wonder and awe of that experience. I recall how the excitement surrounding the pregnancy announcement quickly changed to the stunning realization that the birth of this child would make me a grandfather. Wait a minute! Where is my choice in this matter? I have a lot of feelings about this. Give me time to get ready; after all, I'm still coming to terms with my own grandfather.

I've been grandfathered, in spite of myself. After the initial unbelief, I began to feel the bittersweet quality of this experience. On the one hand, it is an absolutely stark reminder of advancing age, a sobering sight of the Grim Reaper's approaching shadow. On the other hand, it is a time of untrammeled joy in the miraculous gift of new life, the opportunity to witness and share in the life of another human being.

And what an intriguingly wonderful role a grandparent can play. No defined duties, responsibilities, obligations, expectations. The grandfatherly stances are unlimited: shall I be aloof and uninvolved, benevolent but severe, caring but controlled, distant but somewhat available? I soon learned the choice was not up to me. One look at that child, less than 24 hours old, did me in completely. And holding this miraculous bundle of life totally destroyed my reserve and feigned composure. Talk about love at first sight! And I thought those days were over.

I'm hooked. I used to laugh at the folks with the bumper stickers that said, "Ask me about my grandchildren." I used to feel superior to the cliched portrayal of doting grandparents. It will never happen to me, I said. What did I know?

As I begin to think about what it will be like to actually be a grandparent, I am struck by the contrast between the place of grandparents today and in the past. The role in our contemporary culture is largely open, fluid, undefined. In other times and cultures it has been a vitally important role. Robert Bly has reminded us that much of the initiation of young males, historically, was carried out by grandfathers. Being a grandfather in the American Native tradition was a respected role in which one's words were given special weight and authority. In our own culture, particularly in farming communities not that long ago, grandparents were an integral and important part of family life. Their wisdom and experience were valuable contributions to the life of the family. Today there is not much left of this tradition on which to rely; as in so much of modern life, we are called upon to make it up as we go along.

The challenge for me is, I think, pretty clear: can I put aside my vast array of worldly wisdom(!) and simply be present to and with this child? Can I keep my heart open and my mouth shut? Can there be moments when we, as two vastly different persons in age and experience, simply walk hand in hand and experience the wonder of the world together?

If you enjoyed these reflections, we invite you to discover other thoughtful and personal writings in the pages of The Best of Pilgrimage and Pilgrimage Vol. 26 and Vol. 27. These can be ordered directly from this website; please click on "How to Order."